Year-end

Today's the last day of 2009 and it's less than 2 hours til 2010 comes.
This'll be my year-end blog post and I've decided to do it every year just to commemorate the new life ahead.

2009 has been a year of chronic ups and downs for me. Kinda like a roller coaster except with more exaggerated loops. This was the year that attacked me with alot of failures and tears. It was when I started to become competitive that suddenly I realized I was already swimming in a sea of guilt and emptiness. I mean, got too competitive over a dreadly silly matter that I was starting to lose who I really was.

Probably I'm not just used to losing that sometimes I get engrossed with my own sense of fighting spirit if that's what you call it. And that's what prolly causes tension between us. Come to think of it, it's because of me that sometimes I can feel bad air around us. I know I may have been conceited of me and I'm totally aware of it. If only it was that easy for me to dump this attitude of mine but ho, that's why there's a new year aight? Change doesn't happen overnight.

2009 was the year that I somehow learned to control what I feel and just accept things as they are. If you aren't there then you aren't. "It's life, buddy. Get used to it." is what I told myself
This attitude might have been triggered by my numerous attempts and bouncing back my numerous failures. It was like I was forced to mature because I was getting hurt so much that was my only shield and my way to escape from all the pain, and besides crying myself to sleep isn't effective. I hate waking up with swelling eyes. Kinda embarrasing. All that was there for me is just to be happy what comes along. Really. Even though I was feeling kinda angry, I just kept on forcing myself to smile and bring up those insanely hilarious jokes that only me and my friends know because I didn't want them to get affected because I'm an ass. Smiling has somehow become my mask. It's wrong I know.

I was kinda feeling like a loser already. Loser in every sense of the word. I just can't help feel bad about those attempts. I've done everything but oh well here comes Life and deliberately destroying everything but now I kinda accepted the fact that it isn't for me.

2009 was also the year that I was often misunderstood and embarrased by people. I just realized that I need to fight for my rights and shouldn't allow other people to step on who I am. I'm a damn upright person.

Ofcourse, 2009 isn't just a year of my failures but there were also some achievements but mostly it was classroom related and I think they're kinda shallow but I wouldn't forget them because it's those achievements that I grasp onto just to make myself feel better and gain a little boost in my esteem gauge.

To summarize, 2009 may have been a little shitty but not that I hate it. It has also been a learning experience for me. I've learned alot especially coming out of my comfort zone.

Now, if I could say, I'm ready to end this book that was about sorrow. I'm ready to open another book, and on a new page I anticipate a chapter about joy-filled moment. I don't wanna waste precious ink on something that I know would make my life miserable.

A new life awaits~! It's time to change my perspective on things. A colorful panorama, maybe?

Happy New Year!

-Raichan-